Suffering and Knowing Suffering
We all go through suffering. This isn't a moral judgment, but a basic fact of being human. The Buddha clearly described it: beginnings, ageing, illness, and death; not getting what we want; being separated from loved ones; and facing difficult people and situations. Even more fundamentally, the very framework of our experience, including our bodies, feelings, perceptions, mental patterns, and awareness, shows signs of suffering when examined. These are not abstract concepts but everyday realities. Life brings us loss, frustration, and vulnerability.
And when suffering occurs, our instinctive response is often to look outward. We search for someone or something to blame. We believe that if we could only improve external conditions, such as our job, house, or relationship, then the pain would finally subside.
It’s not entirely wrong. External factors do matter. But suffering is seldom solely about them.
Suffering Versus Knowing Suffering
There’s a difference between suffering and knowing suffering.
To suffer means being caught in its whirl, believing its stories, being drawn into blame or fantasy, imagining salvation is just over the next hill. To know suffering is something more subtle, more radical.
Knowing suffering means confronting it directly, rather than avoiding it. It involves recognising that pain is not only external, caused by others, but also internal, shaped by our relationship with our own minds, bodies, and hearts.
When we begin to understand suffering, we realise that external circumstances play a vital role; poverty, war, ill health, discrimination, and loneliness all help shape the landscape of pain. Yet, equally important is how we inhabit that landscape. Do we tighten or soften? Do we lash out or respond with kindness? Do we isolate or reach out for connection?
The Difficulty of Uncertainty
The most difficult challenge the mind encounters is uncertainty. We find it easier to endure pain, sadness, and even loss than the unease of not knowing. The mind despises uncertainty. It longs for the ground to be solid, the path to be clear, and the outcome to be predictable.
And so, in the face of uncertainty, we rush to fill the emptiness. We seek certainty, even when it comes at the expense of truth. We cling to fixed ideas, identities, and explanations that promise safety. “If only I can be sure of this, then I’ll be alright.” But certainty, when held too tightly, can turn into delusion.
Psychotherapy also recognises this. Wilfred Bion emphasised the importance of “staying with not-knowing,” while Winnicott described the growth that occurs when we can tolerate ambiguity without fleeing. Both highlight a kind of maturity: the ability to remain open to uncertainty without succumbing to panic or clinging to false certainties.
The Wellness Promise of Certainty
This restless pursuit is heightened in the modern wellness marketplace. The capitalist view of wellness relies on our unease with uncertainty. It whispers: Engage in this practice, buy this supplement, follow this programme, and you will be sorted. The promise extends beyond health to certainty: that by ticking the right boxes, suffering will be eradicated.
Consider, for example, the rise of “biohacking” and ten-step plans for happiness. They claim that if you optimise your diet, sleep, and morning routine sufficiently, you’ll escape life’s chaos. Life doesn’t work like that. Even the best practices, such as yoga, meditation, therapy, and exercise, cannot shield us from sickness, ageing, and death. They can only help us face these realities with greater resilience and grace.
Understanding suffering involves recognising the illusions of certainty and instead learning to live genuinely with life's unpredictability.
When we start to accept uncertainty, even just a little, we experience a different kind of freedom. Not the false comfort of being “sorted,” but the deeper ease of being present with things as they are.
The Role of Relationship
This is not an argument for retreating into stoic solitude. Quite the opposite. Recognising that suffering involves understanding what underpins well-being: a supportive circle of friends, a community where we belong, and a practice of paying attention to how we move in the world; our speech, actions, and the ripples we leave behind.
In therapy, we also see this truth: suffering becomes more bearable when it is shared in relationships. Our nervous systems find regulation through connection. Shared meaning allows us to endure what would feel overwhelming alone. Community and friendship don’t eliminate suffering, but they change how we experience it.
The Truth we May Want to Skip
The Buddha described suffering as the first of the Four Noble Truths. Not because he wanted us to dwell in it, but because he recognised that honestly acknowledging suffering is the first step towards freedom. Our instinct is often to bypass this truth, rushing towards solutions, distractions, or spiritual shortcuts. However, our starting point, if we seek release, is simply willingness: to accept suffering.
To understand suffering is to observe it without flinching. To feel it without turning it into an adversary. To accept it as part of the human narrative. And paradoxically, it is through this understanding that the power of suffering diminishes.
We might still hurt, but we are no longer prisoners.
A Short Practice: Sitting with Uncertainty
If you’d like to explore this directly, try this two-minute reflection:
Sit comfortably and focus on your breath. Observe its rise and fall.
Gently recall a small area of doubt in your life, not overwhelming, just something unresolved.
Notice the body’s reaction: tightness, restlessness, a pull to “fix” or “figure out.”
Rather than pushing it away or rushing to answer, remain present. Breathe through the uncertainty. Allow it to be here.
Silently say to yourself: I don’t know. And that’s okay for now.
Just a few breaths embracing uncertainty can loosen the mind’s hold on false certainty. Over time, this simple practice becomes a doorway to understanding suffering and facing it with clarity and compassion.
The Buddha’s list remains unchanged: birth, ageing, illness, death, separation, disappointment. These will not disappear. However, our way of confronting them can change. And within that change lies the start of freedom.
Rory Singer
Thank you for reading. I’d love to hear your reflections: how do you relate to the difference between suffering and knowing suffering in your own life?
You can also read this post on our Substack journal, Unfolding.